9 signs you unconsciously avoid getting too close to people, says psychology

I’ve always found human connection fascinating—the way we yearn for closeness yet sometimes build invisible barriers to keep it at bay.

I’m not talking about taking a breather after a long day; I mean those quiet, almost subconscious habits that hold people at arm’s length.

It’s something I’ve caught myself doing before, dodging long-term plans or retreating to the safety of small talk.

At first glance, it seemed harmless. But as I looked closer, I realized these behaviors weren’t just quirks—they were defense mechanisms. If you’ve ever felt the same, it’s worth unpacking.

Let’s dig into nine subtle ways we might be keeping others at a distance and what that says about our relationship with intimacy.

1) You’re a master of small talk

We all engage in small talk, it’s a normal part of social interaction.

But when it comes to deeper conversations, do you find yourself running for the hills?

According to psychology, consistently sticking to surface-level conversations can be a sign that you’re unconsciously avoiding intimacy with others. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with small talk – it’s a necessary part of social interaction.

But when it becomes a pattern – when we constantly steer clear of deeper, more personal topics – it can indicate an underlying fear of vulnerability.

It’s like being in a swimming pool, but never going beyond the shallow end. Sure, you’re technically in the water, but you’re missing out on the depth and richness that’s available.

2) You avoid making long-term plans

I remember a time when my friends were planning a group trip for the next year.

They were excitedly discussing the destination, the activities, and who would bring what. But I found myself feeling uneasy, even anxious, about making such long-term plans.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go on the trip. In fact, I was excited about it. But something inside me just couldn’t commit to something so far in the future.

After some introspection and a bit of research, I learned that this is a common sign of subconsciously avoiding getting too close to people.

The idea of making long-term commitments can feel intimidating because it implies a depth of connection and vulnerability.

If you often find yourself hesitant to make long-term plans with others, you might be unconsciously resisting deeper connections. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be alone – it’s just a sign that you might need to explore some underlying fears or insecurities.

3) You frequently cancel plans

In the realm of social psychology, there’s a phenomenon called “exit strategy mentality”. This refers to the practice of always having a backdoor or way out of social commitments.

If you frequently find yourself cancelling plans, or if you often make plans with the subconscious intention that you can bail out at any moment, you may be exhibiting this kind of mentality.

Some people might see your behavior as flaky or unreliable, but in reality it’s a result of a subconscious mechanism that keeps you from getting too close to others, ensuring that you always have control over your level of involvement and emotional investment.

While it might feel like a safety net, this pattern can prevent you from forming deep, meaningful connections with others.

4) You prefer digital communication over face-to-face interactions

In the era of social media and smartphones, it’s easy to hide behind screens.

But if you find yourself consistently preferring digital communication over face-to-face interactions, it might be a subconscious way of creating distance.

Texting, emailing, and social media allow us to control our interactions more tightly. We can carefully craft our responses, or even choose not to respond at all. But this level of control can also act as a barrier against genuine intimacy.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing inherently bad about digital communication. It’s a fantastic tool that can help us stay connected with others.

But when it becomes a habitual preference over real-life interactions, it might be a sign that you’re unconsciously avoiding getting too close to people.

5) You have a history of short-term relationships

Reflect on your past relationships.

Are they primarily short-term? Do you find yourself pulling away or ending things just as they start to get serious?

This pattern can be an indication of unconsciously avoiding emotional intimacy. Don’t rush to label yourself as commitment-phobic or incapable of love.

Instead, it could be a subconscious protective measure, preventing you from being hurt.

6) You struggle with vulnerability

Opening up, being vulnerable, sharing our deepest fears and dreams – these actions can be terrifying.

It’s like standing naked in a room full of people.

If you find it extremely difficult to be vulnerable with others, even those you’re close to, it could be a sign that you’re unconsciously distancing yourself from true intimacy.

According to experts, vulnerability is the cornerstone of deep, meaningful connections.

It allows us to be seen – truly seen – by others. But if the very thought of it sends you into a panic, it’s possible that you’re holding people at arm’s length without realizing it.

7) You’re always busy

A few years back, I found myself constantly on the go. My schedule was packed. Work, social events, hobbies, you name it – I was always doing something.

But it wasn’t until a close friend pointed it out that I realized, I was using busyness as a shield.

Staying perpetually busy can be a subtle way of avoiding intimacy. When you’re always occupied, there’s no time to form deep connections or engage in meaningful conversations.

If your calendar is always full and you find yourself turning down invitations or opportunities to connect because you’re “too busy”, it might be worth asking yourself if this constant busyness is a defense mechanism against getting too close to people.

8) You often feel the need to control

Do you often feel the need to control your relationships? Do you find it hard to let things unfold naturally, or to trust in the process?

A constant need for control can be a subconscious way of avoiding intimacy.

When you’re in control, you get to dictate the terms of your relationships, including the level of emotional involvement.

But true intimacy requires letting go of control. It requires allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and trusting in the other person.

If you often find yourself needing to have control over your relationships, it could be a sign that you’re unconsciously keeping people at a distance.

9) You struggle with self-love

At the heart of it all, our relationship with others reflects our relationship with ourselves.

If you find it hard to love and accept yourself, it’s likely that you’ll struggle with letting others love and accept you too.

Self-love is not the same as acting narcissistic or self-centered. It’s simply means recognizing your worth and treating yourself with kindness and respect.

Without it, forming deep, meaningful connections with others can be a real challenge.

If you find yourself struggling with self-love, know that it’s something many of us grapple with.

But also know that cultivating self-love is one of the most powerful steps you can take towards opening yourself up to deeper connections with others.

Final thoughts

If I’ve learned anything about connection, it’s this: the walls we put up aren’t always meant to block people out.

Sometimes, they’re there to keep us feeling safe, even if they leave us lonelier in the process.

It’s not easy to take those walls down. Vulnerability is terrifying—it’s messy, raw, and unpredictable. But it’s also the thing that makes real connection possible.

Whether it’s leaning into a long-term plan or daring to show someone the parts of you you’d rather hide, the work of opening up is as uncomfortable as it is transformative.

You don’t have to dismantle all your defenses overnight.

Start small. Notice where you pull back and ask yourself why. Because when you begin to let others see the real you, the relationships that follow are worth every moment of courage.