7 phrases that will almost certainly trigger resentment in your adult children, according to psychology

If you’re a parent of adult children, you may find that some of your words can spark unexpected resentment.

These phrases, although perhaps well-meaning, can often lead to tension and frustration within your relationship.

Psychology tells us that certain expressions can trigger negative reactions from our grown-up kids. They might make them feel belittled, misunderstood, or even controlled.

Remember, no one is perfect, and we all say the wrong thing sometimes.

But being aware of these seven phrases could help you to navigate your relationship with your adult children more smoothly.

Let’s dive in and explore what these phrases are and why they can cause such a ripple effect.

1) “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

As a parent, you might have uttered this phrase without thinking twice about it. But according to psychology, it’s a surefire way to breed resentment in your adult children.

Comparing your kids, no matter their age, can make them feel inadequate or unappreciated. It subtly implies that one child is superior to the other, instilling a sense of competition rather than unity among siblings.

Keep in mind that each child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. They should be celebrated for their individuality, not compared to each other.

2) “I did my best.”

This phrase may seem harmless, even comforting.

After all, we often say it with the intention of conveying that we’ve tried our hardest and done everything within our power. However, when used in response to your adult child’s expression of past hurts or current grievances, it can come across as dismissive.

“I did my best” can subtly send the message that their feelings are invalid or unimportant. It implies that because you had good intentions, they should not feel upset or hurt. It can also come across as a defense mechanism, shutting down the conversation and avoiding accountability.

A more constructive approach could be acknowledging their feelings first and then expressing your own.

For example, “I understand why you would feel that way and I’m sorry. I was doing what I thought was best at the time.” This way, you validate their feelings while still sharing your perspective.

3) “When I was your age…”

This phrase often precedes a lesson or advice from your own past experiences, but to your adult child, it can come off as dismissive or even condescending. It may feel like you’re not acknowledging the unique challenges they face in today’s world.

Your intention might be to provide guidance, but remember that your adult child is navigating their own journey. Their experiences might be different from yours, and that’s okay.

Try opening a dialogue instead. Ask them about their experiences, their struggles, and their victories. Show that you’re interested in their world. This will not only strengthen your bond but also offer them the reassurance that they are seen and valued for who they are.

4) “You’re always on your phone.”

In today’s digital age, it’s not uncommon to see people constantly checking their phones. As a parent, it can be frustrating when it seems like your adult child is more interested in their screen than in spending time with you.

However, this phrase can create unnecessary friction. It suggests that they are dismissive or uninterested, which might not be the case.

Expressing your feelings and needs is key here. You might say something like, “I’ve been looking forward to our time together. Would you mind if we put our phones away for a while?”

This way, you’re setting a mutual expectation and showing them that their company is important to you.

5) “You’ve gained some weight.”

Regardless of intention, commenting on someone’s physical appearance, especially their weight, can be incredibly hurtful and damaging. This applies even more when the comment comes from a parent.

I remember a friend telling me about how her mother’s casual comments about her weight led to years of self-esteem issues and an unhealthy relationship with food.

It’s important to remember that our adult children are more likely to value our opinion about them – making such remarks can unknowingly add to their insecurities.

Focusing on health rather than appearance is a way to deal with this. Encourage healthy eating and regular exercise without pinpointing weight. This approach not only promotes a positive body image but also contributes to their overall well-being.

6) “You always…” or “You never…”

Starting a sentence with “You always” or “You never” is a sure way to put your adult child on the defensive. These absolute phrases can feel like an attack on their character rather than a critique of a specific behavior.

For example, saying “You never help around the house,” can lead to resentment and negative emotions. It overlooks the times they did contribute and focuses solely on the negatives.

Addressing the issue without attacking their character can lead to a healthier and more constructive conversation.

7) “Because I said so.”

This phrase might have worked when your children were younger, but with adult children, it’s a different story.

“Because I said so” undermines their maturity and independence. It suggests that they should comply without understanding the reason behind your request.

Your adult children deserve an explanation just as any other adult does. They are capable of understanding complex situations and making their own decisions.

Explaining your reasoning will not only respect their autonomy but also provide them with a deeper understanding of the situation.

Remember, effective communication is key in maintaining a healthy relationship with your adult children. It’s about expressing our feelings, understanding theirs, and navigating through life together as a team.

Final thoughts

Navigating the path of parenthood doesn’t come with a roadmap, especially when your children have grown into adults.

These insights are here to guide you, but ultimately, the choice is yours to make. Every conversation with your adult child is an opportunity to strengthen your bond.

Remember, time spent nurturing your relationship with your adult children is never time wasted.

And part of this journey involves acknowledging their maturity and respecting their autonomy. It’s about learning to communicate effectively, understanding their feelings, and letting them know they are valued.

Here’s to fostering healthier, more understanding relationships with our adult children!