Let’s talk about relationships—no, not the rom-com kind, but the real, sometimes messy, always complex ones we all grapple with.
I’m Tina Fey, the founder of the Love Connection blog and a relationship expert—now, let’s get real.
We often focus on the negative behaviors of others in relationships, but sometimes, it’s essential to look inward.
Toxic patterns can emerge from within ourselves, whether we’re aware of them or not—it’s not always easy to recognize our own toxic behaviors but, don’t worry, I’m here to help you out!
In this piece, I’ve outlined eight behaviors that might indicate you’re the toxic one in your relationship:
1) Constant criticism
Have you ever noticed how often you find fault in your partner’s actions? It’s a common trait, and we all do it to some extent.
Let’s talk about criticism, though: Constructive criticism is healthy and helps us grow—however, constant, unending criticism can be destructive.
Finding yourself always pointing out what your partner does wrong, without ever acknowledging what they do right, is a possible indication that you’re the toxic one.
This behavior erodes self-esteem and can make your partner feel unloved or unwanted.
So, take a step back and reflect: are you practicing constructive criticism or just nitpicking on every little thing?
Nobody is perfect—not your partner, and certainly not you.
2) Lack of empathy
As Maya Angelou beautifully put it, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
And, boy, do I agree with that!
Empathy is the core of any relationship—it’s the ability to step into someone else’s shoes and truly understand their feelings.
Not showing empathy can make your partner feel isolated and misunderstood in the relationship.
It’s vital to remember that a relationship is about both individuals—your partner’s feelings matter just as much as yours.
If you find empathy challenging, it may be time to work on this crucial aspect of emotional intelligence.
3) Codependency
Now, let’s talk about something I discuss extensively in my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship: It’s called ‘codependency’.
Codependency is when one person feels an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on their partner—it’s a pattern that can be harmful to both parties involved in the relationship.
Ask yourself: Are you always seeking validation from your partner and do you base your happiness and worth solely on your relationship?
If you answered ‘yes’ to these questions, you might be stuck in a cycle of codependency.
Want to know more about this and how to overcome it? Check out my book, which is a comprehensive guide on tackling codependency in relationships.
4) Excessive generosity
Isn’t generosity a good thing? Yes, of course, it is—but, like anything, too much of it can be harmful.
Excessive generosity often masks a deeper issue; sometimes, people over-give to keep their partners dependent on them or to avoid addressing real issues in the relationship.
Constantly showering your partner with gifts, favors, or attention—not out of genuine love, but as a way to control or manipulate them—means that it’s time for you to reevaluate.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and equality so, if your generosity is tipping the scales too much in one direction, it might be worth asking why that’s the case.
Balance is key in every aspect of a relationship—it’s about give and take, not just giving and giving.
5) Being overly defensive
I remember a time when I would get defensive at the slightest hint of criticism.
It’s something most of us do, more often than not, but it’s a behavior that doesn’t serve any of us well, especially in relationships.
Being overly defensive means you are constantly on guard, ready to fight back even when there’s no threat; it’s an emotional armor that can push your partner away, making them feel like they can’t communicate openly with you.
Say your partner mentions something they wish you’d do differently: Instead of listening and considering their perspective, do you immediately jump into defense mode? Are you always ready with an excuse or even a counter-attack?
If this sounds like you, it might be time for some self-reflection—after all, successful relationships rely on open and honest communication.
6) Controlling behavior
If you’re always trying to control your partner—their decisions, their actions, even their thoughts—then you need to face a harsh truth: You may be the toxic one in the relationship.
Controlling behavior is debilitating; it suffocates the other person, stripping them of their independence and self-esteem, and there are actually several, warning signs for people to avoid controlling people–it’s that serious.
Love is about respect and trust, not control or dominance.
Recognizing this behavior is the first step towards changing it—it’s never too late to learn and grow.
7) Always playing the victim
As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
I’ve always been particularly struck by this quote—it emphasizes the power of personal responsibility, something that’s extremely important in relationships.
Playing the victim means always blaming your partner for things going wrong, never taking responsibility for your own actions, and it’s a form of emotional manipulation that can be very damaging to a relationship.
It takes two to tango so, if you’re always playing the victim, it might be time to take a hard look at yourself and your role in the relationship.
8) Ignoring your partner’s needs
Ignoring your partner’s needs, especially when they’ve communicated them directly to you, is a sign of toxicity.
Love is about understanding and meeting each other’s needs so, if you’re always putting your needs first and disregarding your partner’s, it can make them feel unimportant and unloved.
Ignoring someone’s needs isn’t just about neglect—it’s about a lack of respect.
Everyone deserves to feel valued and heard in a relationship.
Final thoughts
Recognizing your toxic behaviors can be tough, but it’s a crucial step toward personal growth and healthier relationships, and self-awareness and a willingness to change are key.
If you relate to these behaviors, don’t be too hard on yourself—acknowledging them is a powerful first step.
With time, patience, and effort, positive change is possible.
For more advice and tips on overcoming codependency and other relationship challenges, do check out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It’s filled with practical guidance that can help you navigate these waters.
Every day is a new opportunity for growth and change—here’s to healthier, happier relationships!
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