Apologies can be tricky territory.
I’ve had moments where someone said the words, “I’m sorry,” but something about it didn’t feel right.
It wasn’t the words themselves, but the way they danced around accountability that left me wondering—was this really an apology, or just a way to smooth things over?
The truth is, not all apologies are created equal.
Some are heartfelt and genuine, while others are carefully crafted to avoid taking responsibility. The key is learning to recognize the difference.
In this article, I’ll unpack eight common phrases that often signal an insincere apology. Learning these can help you spot when someone’s remorse is more about appearances than real accountability.
1) “I’m sorry you feel that way”
This is a classic non-apology. It sounds like they’re expressing regret, right? But look closer.
When someone says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” they aren’t actually admitting any fault or taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they’re subtly shifting the blame onto you for feeling hurt or upset.
They’re essentially saying that your reaction is the problem, not what they did. It’s a clever way to avoid responsibility and dodge the real issue.
So if you hear this phrase in an apology, it might be a sign that the person isn’t genuinely sorry for their actions. Instead, they might just be trying to smooth things over without addressing the underlying problem.
2) “I’m sorry, but…”
This one hits close to home. I remember a friend who would always use this phrase when apologizing.
It always went something like, “I’m sorry, but you started it,” or “I’m sorry, but you were also wrong.”
The word ‘but’ in an apology is a major red flag.
It’s a conjunction that often introduces an excuse or a justification for one’s actions, negating the sincerity of the apology that comes before it.
In my friend’s case, she wasn’t truly acknowledging her mistake or expressing regret. Instead, she was using her ‘apology’ as an opportunity to shift some of the blame back onto me.
An authentic apology focuses on the actions of the individual who is apologizing, not the behavior of the person they have wronged. So if someone uses the phrase “I’m sorry, but…” they might not really be sorry at all.
3) “If I did something to upset you…”
This phrase is a masterstroke of non-apology. It’s vague, indirect and conditional.
“If I did something to upset you” implies that the person isn’t sure whether they’ve done something wrong, or perhaps they’re not convinced their actions were inappropriate at all.
What’s fascinating is that this phrase is often used by individuals with high levels of emotional intelligence.
This group of people are usually adept at managing their own emotions and the emotions of others.
However, their ability to understand and influence emotions can sometimes be used to evade responsibility, by making an apology sound sincere without actually admitting any fault.
So when you hear “If I did something to upset you,” be aware that the person may not be truly sorry for their actions.
Instead, they might be using this phrase to placate you without acknowledging any wrongdoing.
4) “I apologize if you were offended”
This phrase is another classic non-apology. The keyword here is ‘if.’ It’s a small word, but it makes a big difference.
“I apologize if you were offended” implies that the person is only sorry because you took offense, not because they believe they did something wrong.
They’re not accepting responsibility for their actions; instead, they’re apologizing for your reaction.
It’s a way of saying, “I’m sorry that you’re upset,” instead of saying, “I’m sorry for what I did to upset you.”
This subtle shift in focus makes it clear that the person isn’t genuinely apologizing for their actions, but rather for your feelings about those actions.
If someone uses this phrase when apologizing, it might be a sign that they aren’t really sorry at all.
5) “I was just joking”
Laughter is a universal language, a powerful tool that can lighten moods and bring people together.
But when it’s used as a shield to hide behind, it can hurt just as much as it heals.
According to psychologists, “I was just joking” is a phrase often used to deflect responsibility after a hurtful comment or action. It’s an attempt to invalidate your feelings by suggesting that you’re overreacting to a joke.
This phrase is particularly hurtful because it not only dismisses the harm caused, but also belittles your emotional response.
It’s as if they’re saying, “You shouldn’t be upset because I didn’t mean it seriously.”
A sincere apology should never make light of your feelings or justify hurtful actions as ‘just a joke.’ If someone uses this phrase when trying to apologize, they might not be genuinely sorry for the harm they’ve caused.
6) “I’m sorry you took it that way”
This phrase takes me back to a challenging time in my life.
I was in a relationship where this phrase was used regularly. Whenever we had a disagreement, and I expressed my feelings, the response was often, “I’m sorry you took it that way.”
This phrase is another attempt to shift the blame from the person apologizing to the one who is hurt.
It suggests that the issue isn’t what they’ve done, but how you’ve interpreted their actions.
In my case, this phrase made me feel like my feelings were invalid and misunderstood.
Instead of addressing the issue at hand, it felt like my partner was dismissing my feelings and escaping responsibility.
If someone uses this phrase as an apology, they might not be sincerely acknowledging their role in causing hurt or upset. Instead, they’re implying that your interpretation of events is the problem, which is hardly an apology at all.
7) “Sorry, but you’re too sensitive”
This phrase is a classic example of gaslighting. By telling you that you’re too sensitive, the person is not only refusing to take responsibility for their actions but also trying to convince you that your reactions are the problem.
This kind of ‘apology’ can make you question your feelings and even your sanity.
It’s a manipulative tactic that aims to make you feel like you’re overreacting or misinterpreting the situation.
A genuine apology should never include a critique of your emotional response.
If someone uses this phrase when apologizing, it’s a clear sign that they aren’t genuinely sorry for their actions. Instead, they’re trying to shift the blame onto you and dodge responsibility for their behavior.
8) “I’m sorry, can we just move on?”
This is perhaps the clearest warning sign that someone is not genuinely sorry.
Asking to move on without properly addressing the issue is a blatant attempt to sweep things under the rug.
“Can we just move on?” is a phrase used by those who are more interested in ending the conversation than in making amends.
It shows a lack of willingness to confront the problem, learn from it, and prevent it from happening again in the future.
A sincere apology requires recognizing the hurt caused, taking responsibility for it, and showing a commitment to change. If someone is eager to skip these steps and just move on, they’re likely not truly sorry.
Final thoughts
Apologies are not just any words—they reveal your intentions.
A sincere apology owns up to mistakes, validates feelings, and shows a willingness to do better. But as we’ve seen, some apologies are made just to sidestep accountability rather than repairing relationships.
If you’ve encountered phrases like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I was just joking,” take a moment to evaluate what’s really being said.
We all make mistakes, but it’s how we address them that defines our character.
Genuine remorse has the power to rebuild trust, heal wounds, and strengthen bonds. So let’s aim to apologize not just with words, but with accountability and a real commitment to making things right.
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