(UR) President Trump has issued an emotional call for banning semi-automatic assault rifles and confiscating all guns from U.S. citizens. “Weapons of war do not belong on our streets,” the president stated, holding back tears in a nationally televised address this morning.

In a dramatic shift, Republican voters have announced their backing of the gun grab. “When Obama wanted to take are [sic] guns, it was about a Muslim/communist takeover of are [sic] government,” one conservative wrote on Facebook. “But Trump loves are [sic] country! If he wants to ban guns, it’s to keep us SAFE from MUSLIMS and COMMIES!”

Following previous trends where conservatives favored gun control under Ronald Reagan and when black Americans were arming themselves for self-defense, new polling suggests Republicans are only in favor of the second amendment when a Democrat is president.

“These new findings confirm previous ones, which suggest partisan Americans completely lack principles and are essentially just slightly more intelligent herd animals” falling prey to “mob mentality which basically renders their critical thinking abilities useless,” the pollsters concluded.

Satire / Underground Reporter