(UR) Parland, FL — America, a country responsible for up to four million deaths in the Middle East since 9/11, is reeling from yet another school shooting which took the lives of 17 innocent students in Florida yesterday.

“How is this ok?” One parent who wished to remain anonymous said in a statement, while ignoring the drone strikes she pays for that killed several innocent civilians yesterday in Syria as well, “I don’t understand why kids act out violently!”

“It honestly baffles me where kids would get this idea that problems can be solved with violence,” one U.S. citizen said on social media, making no mention of the 1,000 military bases America operates in 80 countries around the world. “If you want to kill people with impunity, why not just join the military or become a cop like a normal person? Killing 17 kids is rookie shit. U.S. cops kill over 1,000 people a year. That’s how we make America great again,” he continued.

At press time, President Trump offered thoughts and prayers to the dead students’ families in Florida. Asked about the families of innocent people killed by U.S. airstrikes this morning, he said “who gives a shit? American don’t care about brown people in Puerto Rico, let alone Syria. We have to address this senseless violence in America only.” He’s definitely right about that!

Meanwhile, Google searches for the shooter’s name attached to “Pro-Trump,” “Antifa,” “Mexican,” “illegal immigrant,” “Syrian,” “Muslim,” and “DACA,” spiked as Americans seek to make sweeping generalizations about his background and ideology in order to blame an entire group of people for the actions of one person while absolving themselves from any responsibility.

Accusations are also swirling on social media that somehow an AR-15 came to life, walked into the school under its own devices, and killed the 17 students. Those accusations are yet to be confirmed.

Satire / Underground Reporter