(UR) American students staged a national protest today to unironically demand the world’s largest purveyor of deadly weapons protect them from guns.

We caught up with a few of these entitled snowflakes outside of their school in a wealthy, white suburb where guns generally aren’t needed to defend yourself from street criminals or criminals wearing badges/suits.

Me, an intellectual: “Why are you rich little brats out here begging the government to take away rights?”

Snowflake #1: “Because only the government should have assault rifles! Cops are the only ones to be trusted with those kinds of deadly weapons!”

Me: “Are cops violent racists?”

Snowflake #1: “Yes!”

Me: “Do you see the problem now?”

Snowflake #1: “No!”

Me: *shakes my fucking head*

Snowflake #2, butting in: “Gun rights aren’t to protect us against tyranny anyway! Like an assault rifle could stop the world’s strongest government from subjugating citizens. lol.”

Me, clearly the only one who didn’t walk about of history class: “Then explain why the U.S. hasn’t been able to defeat the Taliban after 16 years of war and spending trillions of dollars. *Showing off my dank pro-gun memes saved on my flip phone* “Explain how Vietnamese rice farmers kicked the U.S.’ ass in the Vietnam war!”

Snowflake #2, invoking Bill O’Reilly: “You can’t explain that. But Trump the racist borderline fascist should be in charge of who gets guns and who doesn’t.”

Me, losing my cool: “You’re both idiots.”

Satire / Underground Reporter