(UR) The Catholic church is back in the news this week after a Pennsylvania grand jury found over 300 clergymen covered up sexual abuses against over 1,000 children in the state.

The Vatican and local diocese refused to comment on the new allegations, but the church did release a statement to Underground Reporter reaffirming its opposition to abortion.

“This is exactly why we must continue our fight against abortion. If we allow women to abort unwanted pregnancies, how will we continue to sexually prey on underprivileged children?” Bishop Chester told us via email. “Will our priests molest adult men instead? LMFAO I don’t think so,” the modern reincarnate of Roman Empire told us.

“We need poor people in third world countries to continue giving 10 percent of their income to the church so we can keep preying on innocent children with impunity,” Bishop Chester said in the statement. “Fuck women’s rights. And LITERALLY fuck children.”

Satire / Underground Reporter